Hold and Release
by eltitere
Summary: This is an Alternate Universe Harry Potter story about Snape if there had been a small but significant difference in his past. Snape/Lily fiction, I like them both, so you probably won't like this story if you hate Snape.
1. Chapter I: Miss Lily Evans

The flower fell, along with its crystal container; slipping from her fingers even as she struggled to hold on to it.

The sound of the vial shattering seemed to fill the room, which had been so silent until now. She stared at the wreck for a few seconds; watching the spilled water begin to spread on the dark wooden floor, finding nooks and crannies to fill. The flower itself was surprisingly damaged, no one would have expected it to be so fragile had they seen its state some minutes ago; when it had stood proudly in full bloom on that small bedside table.

She looked at the scattered pieces of the plant on the floor, running over the names she had learned so long ago, on her third year at school. Stamen, pistil, tepals, whorled compound leaves and the qvonlamexa.

She took out a stick that was possibly made from wood, but it was so polished it was hard to tell what material made that sleek surface. With an expert flick of the wrist, she pointed said stick at the remains of what had been a beautiful if modest decoration and whispered "_Reparo_".

The clear crystal vial immediately came together again, glistening in the candlelight as if it had been made yesterday; its appearance juxtaposed with the spilled water and the shredded flower. She picked up the vial from the foot of her bed, gripping it carefully as to not drop it again. Pointing at the rim, she concentrated on the word _aquamenti_. Immediately the small bottle was overflowing with water, a lot of it dripping onto the already wet floor. She pursed her lips, knowing the kind of scolding Farnese would have for her for failing such a simple task.

Remembering her Charms teacher drove a wave of nostalgia through her, even though it had been less that a day since she graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcarft and Wizardry. She had a hard time registering the fact that she would probably not see the tall stone castle again, she would not be practising her hexes on Peeves on the courtyard, nor hear the praise of Proffessor Slughorn on her carefully crafted potions and the advice of Sam Westron, the older and gnarly herbology teacher.

She wondered if alumni would be allowed to visit the castle after graduation, to say hello to the teachers and take another look at the castle. She doubted it, since she had never seen an adult in Hogwarts who was not staff or a member of the Ministry of Magic.

As she replaced it on the table, she reminded herself that even if she DID return to Hogwarts one day, the school would probably be changed. Professor Dumbledore had announced during their last feast that Westron was retiring and being replaced by a woman named Miss Sprout, whom all you must refer to as Professor Sprout from here on, thank you. Lily wondered whether her headmaster had hired her just so her name would be a pun in relation to her subject. Albus Dumbledore was a brilliant man, but sometimes Lily honestly wondered how much the old wizard was willing to take the obfuscating fake senility joke. Did the man really enjoy reading Muggle children's books so much? She could hardly believe her eyes when she gave him a Hans Christian Andersen and Dumbledore practically jumped with excitement. Wait, she was remembering this wrong, an old respectable and noble wizard like Dumbledore wouldn't _jump_. But the dancing in his eyes as she handed him the book had definitely caught her attention.

Leaning back on the bed, she realized that the idea of Dumbledore leaving Hogwarts seemed decidedly less likely than the whole castle turning purple. She knew that he had been at Hogwarts longer than any of the staff there and was likely to be there when most of the teachers she knew left. The man just seemed so...constant. And in dark times like these, she wanted all the constancy she could get.

Lily sat up and picked up the pieces of the flower, knowing that no magic that she knew would ever repair it. She had learned a lot about magic since that day Petunia stood angrily jealous while reading her green-inked letter, and one of the things that etched into her mind the most was the fact that magic would not bring back life. It wasn't as if she could not even try, Lily Evans was repulsed by the concept. Magic that tampered with life, magic that made things twisted different from what they ought to be, that was Dark Magic. She shivered thinking of all the chilling tales that Rosina Cockroachrotter, their Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, had told them. Dark Magic was what wizards and witches did when their intents were full of malice and greed, when they wanted to cheat the natural order of things for self profit.

Her shiver became more pronounced when she thought of how her favourite teacher had met her end shortly before the school year had been over. The memory of those screams...that otherwordly voice...the dark purple tendrils coming out of the cursed box...

The entire DADA NEWT class had watched this scene unfold, everyone terrified and unable to do anything to help. It wasn't until several days later that Lily realized that herself, James and Severus had been present at the time. It eased her guilt somewhat to know that the three most prodigious students at Hogwarts had done their best to save the maimed witch; it meant that the situation had been hopeless from the start and nothing Lily could have done individually would have helped. The thought didn't completely erase her guilt or her teacher's last moments off her mind, but it helped Lily sleep better at night.

That incident more than anything so far in her life had strengthened Lily's resolve not to have anything to do with Dark Magic ever. And that resolve had been what drove a definitive wedge between her and Severus.

As she lay the torn pieces of flower next to her pillow, she worked over in her mind what she would tell him. This was her last night in Hogsmeade before she went to her parent's house. James had already gone off to his folks' the day they graduated. Students who didn't have a wizarding home to go to were allowed to stay in the inn until they found lodgings. For many Muggle-borns like her this would be their first full transition into the magical world. Unlike other Muggle-borns, however, Lily was perfectly welcome as a witch back to her parent's house, despite her sister's protests. And she even had her post-graduate career as an Auror ahead of her, with full recommendations of all her teachers and Dumbledore. So why was she staying at Hogsmeade?

_I'm going to convince him not to_. She absentmindedly crushed one of the petals in her hand, which immediately released a sweet scent that permeated her hand and the pillow.

_I'll convince him that he's making a mistake_. The entire time she had known Severus, she had been aware of how he saw the Dark Arts. Most of the time she had tolerated this. But now they were both officially adults and she felt this talk had been postponed too many times.


	2. Chapter II: The Trial of the Prince

Three floors up and seven doors to the right from where Lily Evans was musing about her past and her future; Severus Snape was reproaching himself for letting his belongings scatter so easily in the rented room. Parchments of varying lengths and makes covered the worn oaken table next to his bed; most of them were regular and relatively cheap vellum that he used to take notes during his final school year, but half-buried under an astral chart was a more expensive-looking suede parchment. It was lined with gilt and at the top of it had an elaborate picture of a lion, a snake, a badger and an eagle surrounding the letter H.

When Severus had first perused this parchment with care after the graduation ceremony, he had thought it was an awful lot of pomp and circumstance just to verify that a young man named Severus Snape had graduated at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on Thursday the 16th of June of 1977.

_Anybody_ could graduate from Howgarts, just look at twittering fool Pettigrew and that simpleton of a witch Garside. Severus was honestly surprised that both of them had stayed after their fifth year, though the former had probably received help from his smarter but no less annoying friends.

At least the Slytherin boy could take pride that he had graduated with the highest academic honours save from being Head Boy.

He didn't mind the fact that he hadn't been prefect too much. Sure, he would have loved to lord it over that idiot Black and that _insufferable_ Potter, but the fact was that he didn't socialize too well even within his house and being a prefect would have meant the extra responsibility and actually going out and looking for conflict. No, his time had been better spent studying. And since that prick Potter had not been prefect either, the prospect had never really truly attracted Severus.

Shoving several pieces of parchment into his trunk, Severus grimaced when he realized that he was _yet again_ using James Potter as a yardstick to which he would measure his own goals. Lily was right, it had been a seven year-long pissing contest that did nothing but earn him detentions. He needed to break off the habit.

He was about to start his **own** life with his **own** goals and James Potter was decidedly out of the picture, hopefully for good.

Fate had decided that Potter would be born into riches and privilege, that he would never have to lift a finger to get what he wanted the instant he wanted it. Fate had decided that Snape would be reduced into accepting pity gifts from his teachers just to get his adult life started. So be it.

He was determined to become a powerful and respected wizard by his own might, so fools like Potter and Black would know what it means to be looked at with disdain.

As he was bitterly thinking this, he slammed the jar that had been transferring from the floor into his trunk so hard that he heard an audible crack and felt a warm wetness on his hands.

He immediately pulled the jar away from the trunk and examined the bottom, discovering with horror that it was leaking profusely a liquid that was teal amber while in the air, but turned a brownish red when it touched the floor.

"Son of a **whore**!" Severus began scrambling around the room to look for his discarded wand while still holding the jar, trying to stanch the flow one-handed. After what seemed like an eternity, he found it on his bed where he had left it after lighting the candles.

"Reparo!" The glass jar immediately came together again, but unfortunately the damage had already been done. The liquid inside had been exposed to air and had begun to oxidize. As Snape examined the jar closer, he saw with a sinking heart that the contents were steadily turning from the pale teal amber into blood-red.

He turned his eyes to the other thing that occupied the jar, which was in fact the body that had been oozing all the precious liquid for the last few months. It was a rather small creature, maybe the size of Severus' hands put together. If a Muggle took a quick look at it, she would probably say it was a human fetus and that guess would not be too far off.

The thing that Snape had in possession right now was the unborn offspring of a Capirussa, which his copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _described as "A female beast with a human face, a collar of jester's bells, pointed flappy ears as those of a hound, goatlike paws and a lion's plumy tail. "

Had Professor Slughorn not labelled the jar, Severus would have probably never have guessed what sort of treasure was inside, since he had never seen a real Capirussa (they live in Indonesia), much less an underdeveloped one. But once he found out, he put an extra effort to impress the old walrus, since he knew how hard it was to find one in such a complete state and how it could be useful for many different potions for months, maybe even _years_ if he was frugal.

After a full semester of being pestered, Slughorn finally agreed to give him the entire jar as a graduation present if Severus agreed to bring him some poison from the fangs of the acromantulas who were rumoured to be thriving in the Forbidden Forest. Snape guessed it was probably very against the rules for a teacher to make such a barter, or maybe Slughorn was hoping he would get cold feet. Either way, he marched straight into the forest with the intention of downing the first large spider he saw, quality of the potion be damned and force his teacher to keep his word.

Luckily for him, Aragog had been teaching his offspring not to attack any humans at all, since the old spider figured no one but Hagrid would be foolish enough to wander so deep inside the forest. The elder acromantula had been mostly right. As it happened, Snape spent more than half the night wandering deeper and deeper into the forest, getting more tired and more frustrated as he encountered several vicious and dangerous creatures and not one of them was the one he was looking for.

He had thought he had been really clever going out into a moonless night to look for spiders, he didn't want to bump into Lupin or any other werewolf; but as he crashed blindly through the undergrowth, unwilling to light his wand lest he scare the spiders away, his strategy began to look foolish.

While he scaled over a large ragged boulder for what seemed the tenth time, Severus wondered if he would have the opportunity to go searching again tomorrow; dawn was approaching and his opportunities to slip back into Hogwarts unnoticed were dwindling.

As he was looking at the purple sky, he missed his footing and fell face first onto what seemed to be a viscous fluid.

"Yuck!" He attempted to free himself from the unknown substance, but as he scrambled to get his footing, he seemed to get more and more on his robes. When he finally managed to clear most of it off his face and gain firm footing, he surveyed the scene.

He had fallen onto what seemed to be a large, fluffy cloud that had been ruptured, obviously by his weight. This was filled with several perfectly round orange spheres the size of Quaffles, many of which were smashed and dripping the viscous liquid that clung to his robes.

It didn't take long for Severus to figure out that he had found an acromantula egg sac.

He removed one of the intact eggs with some difficulty, it was stuck to its siblings. Maybe Slughorn would be equally impressed with a live specimen rather than the venom of an adult?

"_Murderer! Baby-killer! Eat human!_" A voice behind screamed in an odd brutish way, like it had been taught English second-hand by someone who hadn't really mastered the language.

Snape spun around to see a massive spider clicking her pincers angrily in his direction, her front legs reared up and ready to attack.

"_Aragog say no humans eat! But Aragog say nothing about baby-killer! Eat baby-killer_!" She hissed and lunged in his direction, and Severus barely had time to dodge. Fortunately, the nearness of her egg sac made her attacks more cautions, and she retreated quickly before making a second attack to make sure she hadn't harmed her own precious babies.

Snape tried to remove his wand from his pocket where he had foolishly put it when he grabbed the egg. Now his palms were sticky and it seemed everything in his pocket BUT his wand had attached himself to his right hand. He heard a cry of rage from the huge spider as the egg he had been holding slipped from his left hand and he knew he would be finished if he didn't act soon.

Gripping his wand and pointing it at the spider through his robe, he roared "Reducto!" The spell ripped his pocket apart and hit the she-spider in the abdomen, pushing the acromantula slightly, but having no greater effect, the spider lunged at him again unbothered.

"Petrificus Totalus! Stupefy! Flipendo! Confringo!" He held his hand through the hole in his robe, now fully pointing at the spider's eyes, but his spells were still ineffective against the gigantic monster. She made a third lunge and this time she was successful, Severus was now caught helplessly by her pincers, his arms pined to the side. He struggled to move his lower arm and point his wand at the spider's face, desperately trying to think of something that would harm her.

"Incendio!" The hairs on the top of the spider's head caught fire, making it hiss in pain. The fire burned thorough three of her six eyes, but it made her painful grip on Severus even tighter, to the point where he was struggling to breathe.

"_I eat your entrails, killer! I eat your entrails good!_" She rose her fangs in preparation to rip him open and for the first time in his life, Severus stared at Death in the face.

While his body still struggled to free himself, his mind was full of flashes of regret, panic and anger. He would die before his father, something he had vowed against; he would die alone and no one would ever know what happened to him. That bastard Slughorn would likely claim he knew nothing, though if he had a shred of conscience, Severus' face would haunt him for the rest of his life. He would die as a nobody in the middle of nowhere. He would die without seeing Lily one last time.

A dangerous mix of all his powerful emotions surged to the surface of his mind, adrenaline pumping into his bloodstream, he was able to forget the pain of her vice grip and concentrate on what he was about to do.

Blood trickling down his arm, he raised his wand one more time.

_**Avada Kedavra**_

Green light exploded from the tip of his wand, illuminating a dirty, sweaty, hook-nosed teenager with an expression on his face that was both terrified and determined; a spider the size of a truck that was covered in burns and sored from their battle and the many bleached bones of various centaurs, birds, foxes and other creatures that had previously fed the spiders.

There was a rushing sound and then an unbelievable silence. Not daring to breathe, Severus surveyed his captor, which was still standing, but it was perfectly immobile. Dawn had broken out during their fight, there was now an orange light half-illuminating the forest. In this light Severus saw that the spider's eyes were no longer bright and focused. She was dead.

Trying to get his breathing back to normal, the young man caught sight of one of the enormous fangs that had tried to eviscerate him a few minutes ago. His heart was no longer in this mission, but he figured it would be a huge waste to go back empty-handed.

Flicking his wand as expertly as he could in his restrained position, he hoarsely whispered "Diffindo, Accio fang" in close succession, catching it at the severed end.

He as he began to rack his brains for a solution to his predicament, he heard something that didn't make him any happier: the scuttling of enormous spider legs. His battle had attracted the curiosity of the rest of the spiders, who were approaching their matriarch, clicking their pincers interrogatively.

As the closer spiders realized that the mother was dead, they began clicking their pincers furiously, alternating with chanting her name.

"_Mosag! Mosag!_"

Realizing his situation was nearly hopeless, Severus took a deep breath. Even he counted the fact that he had used an Unforgivable Curse, he had still only broken Hogwarts rules that night. What he intended to do would be breaking Ministry laws. He had been careful never to break Ministry laws before this, he had wanted to start his adult life with a clean record.

"_Mosag! Mosag! Mosag!_"

But he could see no other escape from this situation. Gritting his teeth, he vowed never to be caught in such a predicament ever again. he would never barter his life and safety for material gain.

Concentrating now, he gripped his wand and the fang tightly. As the first of Mosag's children climbed on it's mother's corpse to reach him, he Disapparated.

Tightness engulfed him, pressing at him at all sides, threatening to devour him whole. When he concentrated on the ground next to the Lake, he felt an excruciating pain on his side and he panicked. He knew he was about to Splinch, but he didn't know the cause and he had but a few seconds to rectify the situation. He changed his focus to the receiving platform for the Hogwarts Express and found himself there, miraculously whole.

It took him several minutes in the rays of dawn to calm down and figure out what had happened. He slapped himself in the forehead when he remembered that Hogwarts was protected by an Anti-Apparating Charm.

When no teachers or Ministry wizards came running to arrest him, Severus took off his bloody, gooey, ripped robe and tried to make is as presentable as possible. It took three Scouring Charms to get most of the egg fluid off and not even the trusty Reparo seemed to completely fix the hole his hand had made, though it was much less noticeable.

He walked back to the castle with a defeated air, since it was impossible by now that his absence had gone unnoticed. Still, the loss of points to Slytherin or the prospect of spending the rest of the year in detention somehow didn't hold the same weight in his mind as it had during the night.

As he reached the front gates he realized that he would never forget the fact that he had performed an Unforgivable Curse, even though he had killed a monster instead of a person.

Luck apparently was really on Severus' side that day, because the Ministry never found out about his unlicensed Apparition. He had not passed the Apparition test on his first try, mostly because he had missed the first few lessons since it had taken him some time to gather the required gold to pay for them. He had still done fairly well, but leaving his fingernails behind had been his undoing. However, the Trace was off him due to his age and the Ministry was not tracking down illegal Apparitions at Hogwarts due to the lessons being given to the sixths years at the time. Severus had been lucky indeed.

He still caught the full wrath of Len Farnese, the Head of Slytherin, who predictably took fifty points off his own house in consternation and lectured him endlessly on how lucky he was flogging was no longer allowed in Hogwarts.

As Severus studied the slimy 'prize' he had earned his mind flitted to his former Potions Master. His lip curled in distaste. Then his expression cleared as he remembered ripping up the letter of recommendations that Slughorn had written for him in front of the old walrus. He was past caring to impress anyone, including the old man. He would move up in the world in his own way.

He had once been excited at the thought of all the new brews he would be able to make with this prized ingredient. As he held the fetus to eye level, something told him that he had already earned something for his efforts and it was not something he could put away in his trunk.

As he replaced the jar back on the floor, postponing his decision whether to throw it out for later, felt a sting on his hand. He held up his palm to see a shallow cut where he had been holding the broken jar earlier. His blood was mixing with the essence of Caripussaum and it was making a waxy purple layer on top of his cut.

He got up with the intention of going to see Madame Pomfrey, who was sure to be in the castle since it was less than a day since summer vacation formally started. He paused halfway to the door, thinking of someone slightly less skilled than the school nurse, but someone whom he liked much, much better.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on Lily's door.


	3. Chapter III: Reacquainted by Blood

**Author's note in regards to the previous chapter: **

The reason the spells and charms don't affect Mosag too much is because she is an enormous magical creature. In Half-Blood Prince the Death Eaters sent a lot of Stunning spells at Hagrid, but they didn't work because he was a half giant. In Goblet of Fire, ten wizards had to fire the same spell at the same time to temporarily down a dragon.

So while it's not specifically said in the canon, I think it would make sense if acromantulas (especially the bigger and older ones like the original mating pair) would have a certain degree of magical immunity. Snape's spells DO affect her (she is hurt before she dies), but not enough to make her faint or leave.

Another thing that we saw in the canon is that emotional state affects how people do magic. At the beginning of the day, Snape is exhausted physically and emotionally and he only cares about looking like he did NOT just spend the night crashing through the Forbidden Forest.

**Errata**: According to canon, Snape graduated in 1978 and James Potter WAS Head Boy, but the latter fact was just recently released in Pottermore, so it was not in the book canon I'm following. Dates officially changed to 1978.

Lily opened the door so suddenly it seemed to surprise even her. Severus' fist was still raised for knocking and now hung awkwardly in front of her face. Taken aback, he quickly lowered his uninjured hand and held the other one up in hopes she would understand the reason for his visit.

Despite knowing her for more than ten years, despite having practically grown up next to her, despite knowing she was basically a grown woman now; Severus still found himself unable to talk.

Maybe it was the fact that since that loathsome day at the end of their fifth year they hadn't had a conversation that had not been wooden and cold. Maybe it was the fact that they had seen each other even less this last year because of their NEWTs. Maybe it was because she was only wearing a T-shirt that barely covered her knickers.

Severus blushed and turned away, wondering why she had answered the door if she had been in the process of going to bed. At least she could have put her britches on before opening the passage to the hallway where everyone could see her underwear!

He suddenly whipped his head to check that both sides of the passage were empty and walked into her room before closing the door.

He had been hoping to be able to talk to her seriously for most of his seventh year, but he had always made excuses, sometimes blaming her for ending their friendship, sometimes blaming himself for being so stupid and cowardly.

Coming to her room tonight had been a reckless and last-minute decision. As she was holding his hand, now slowly spreading murtlap over his cut, he wondered where he'd found the courage to come to her tonight- after all the missed chances. He thought that graduating from Hogwarts had something to do with it, as they were meeting for the first time neither as children nor students.

When he raised his hand, Lily saw the coagulating blood on it and immediately recognized it as a magical injury.

She walked back to her desk as Severus entered the room and retrieved a bottle of murtlap essence, her wand and a beige towel. She conjured a silver bowl from thin air and made it float right underneath the Slytherin's injured hand, which she grasped in her own.

Holding her wand at an angle so she could direct its stream, she wordlessly cast aquamenti and cleaned Severus' cut. He winced, but didn't say anything, somehow afraid that breaking the silence would end this friendly truce he apparently had entered when he crossed the threshold.

Lily, for her part, was trying to think of a good way to begin her speech. On her desk stood a half-written letter with many corrections and crossed-out words that had intended to invite him to talk in amicable terms. Mortified that he would catch a glimpse of it, she used a banishing charm on it when she put away her impromptu first-aid supplies.

It wasn't until they stood in awkward silence in the candle-lit room that she noticed how undressed she was, but decided it was too late to be embarrassed about it. Her intention had been to meet him after taking a quick bath so she could talk after being refreshed. Standing there in her old T-shirt only reminded her of how smelly she must be after skipping showers during exams.

Her timidity evaporated when she saw his face. He looked both doubtful and expectant, as if something he had been hoping for was about to happen. It was the same face he had worn so many times during their fifth year, apologizing over and over for his insult.

She crossed her arms defiantly and met his questioning eyes with an unhappy frown. The moment he had called her "Mudblood" she had resolved to end their friendship for good. It wasn't just that he had hurt her, but it reaffirmed her fears about his gravitating more and more towards the Dark Arts and the wrong crowd. She could not understand how he could unabashedly be friends with those awful Slytherins like Rosier, Wilkes and Avery and at the same time try to maintain a close friendship with her. It was as if he was honestly not aware that Mulciber had tried to hex her three days before their Transfiguration exam. Or as if he didn't think it was important. Why would he try to join the Death Eaters?

Despite this, Lily knew that in his heart, Severus was not like those sadists. She knew that he did not honestly think that Muggles should be treated like house-elves or worse. He was not full of malice like the others; he did not seek out students or creatures smaller and weaker than himself to torture like Avery did. Lily had never seen Severus attack anything or anybody that had not threatened his person or hers first. Unfortunately, once he had been goaded into fighting, he didn't know when to stop. He would try to run his opponent into the ground, to utterly and completely crush him; Severus would not be satisfied until it was absolutely clear that he was the better wizard.

This was probably the reason his feud with James had lasted so long; if either of them had known to back off at some point, she pictured their schooldays might have been much more peaceful. She knew that the two of them were still hostile towards each other, but James had fortunately matured a lot in the past two years and Severus had become more withdrawn after her continued rejections.

And if she could admit so to herself, so had she.

Something had happened that spring of her fifth year she had never admitted to anybody in the wizarding world. At the time she had been too numb to admit it and later it would have been awkward to bring up casually.

Her father had died of lung cancer at what she considered the tender age of 43.

While growing up, it had been so normal for her to see adults smoking before meals, between meals, while taking their tea, while watching a movie, before going to bed...

It had never occurred to Lily nor to many others of her generation that such a normal social activity like lighting a cigarette would make anybody ill, let alone kill them.

Lily had been allowed to spend an entire week out of Hogwarts, but after three days with her distant mother and her hysterical sister, she couldn't stand it any longer and wrote a letter to Dumbledore, who replied with instructions on how to hail the Knight Bus and assuring her that she didn't have to worry about completing her homework soon.

Lily returned to the wizarding world that very night, leaving a hurried note of apology on her mother's kitchen table.

After her return to Hogwarts, pretending to fellow Gryffindors to have been absent due to illness, she threw herself into making up her homework in order to stave off the chilling numbness that now seemed to be her constant companion.

Even Severus didn't know.

Lily had never been able to explain completely to herself why she hid her father's death. She had loved him and had never been ashamed of his Muggleness. He had been a kind man and provided well for his whole family.

But as her OWLs had drawn to an end, the chilling numbness began to threaten to overtake her again, and she realized she was not looking forward to returning home for the first time in her life. She wanted to remain in the magic world, where black lungs and endlessly multiplying cells either didn't exist or were not a problem. She didn't want to deal with her mother's obsession with flowers, Beatles music and LSD. She didn't want to go back to the world where her sister was taking classes to use a typing machine to be able to use something called an Apple II, whatever that was.

She suddenly saw the Muggle world as cold and overly complicated compared to the warm atmosphere she had always experienced at Hogwarts.

Lily had actually been contemplating asking Dumbledore if she could somehow stay longer when her rose-coloured visions of magic came crashing down on her.

She saw James Potter, the smart but incredibly arrogant and pretentious athlete, using his magic to torture and humiliate her best friend.

Lily didn't know how she could possibly have forgotten that bullies and nasty people lived in the wizarding world as well. Furious, she marched towards James and told him in no unclear terms to **cut that out**.

If she had thought James's actions were a crashing realization, Severus' insult was like getting hit by a train she had not seen coming.

Discrimination existed in this world. Discrimination against people like her.

Having been holding on to Hogwarts as a lifesaver for preceding weeks, Lily felt as if she was stumbling into a dark void. There was no handle, no foothold for her to pretend the world was a happy place anymore.

Lily was not used to being angry. She had never felt the kind of poisonous hate that makes men destroy one another. But for the first time in her life, she felt that she despised Severus. He had taken her illusion from her and now she felt alone and hollow.

She avoided him in the last few days that remained of school and jumped at her mother's suggestion that the three Evans women take a vacation to Liverpool.

The vacation helped her clear her head and regain her emotional footing. It certainly helped that her mother was back to her full hippie mode again and showed no restraints in sharing her stash of cannabis with her daughters while encouraging them to meditate and become one with their emotions. Alice Evans knew that her daughters had taken their father's passing hard and after her initial shock and denial she did her best to console them. She worked hard despite the fact that one of them she rarely saw and belonged to an entirely different world now and the other rejected everything her mother stood for.

It didn't take long for Lily to realize that while Severus had certainly said something hurtful, it was not his fault that her fantasy had been shattered. Sooner or later she would have remembered how the wizarding world really was. After all, that sunny afternoon had not been the first time she had heard the word Mudblood.

But her tension with Severus had come to a head. He had been hanging around the Slytherin crowd that always made her uncomfortable and hexing James at every opportunity. Worse than that, he had expressed interested in joining the Death Eaters. The name Lord Voldemort had become increasingly notorious since she had started attending Hogwarts. The powerful wizard had all but declared his open hate for Muggles and everything related to them, some of his followers were even less subtle.

Their once content companionship of their childhood had been replaced with constant arguments and pregnant pauses. He just didn't seem to comprehend that what he was doing was bothering her, or simply refused to change.

Lily resolved that unless he truly changed his ways, their friendship was on hold at the very least.

It was a dull summer, possibly the worst of her life. She took a job as a supermarket cashier to help around the house since their source of steady income was gone. Alice tried unsuccessfully to start a photography studio from their basement, and Petunia did nothing but complain about how bleak her university career looked now that she had to pay for it herself.

Severus had made a few tentative attempts at reconciliation, but Lily decided to ignore them, since she couldn't know how sincere they were.

It wasn't until they were halfway to Hogwarts on the Express that they talked to each other face to face.

"Lily, I'm sorry, I truly am. You...I...this summer...weren't you lonely...?"

As he stumbled through another apology, she noticed the book under his arm.

"Sev, what's that?"

He hesitated and then held up the thick black tome bound in an odd leather. She felt she didn't need to read past the cover to guess its contents.

"_Grimoire sur das Riss_."

"It's in German, so it's taking me a long time to read it with a dictionary, but it's really interesting, there is this chapter that-"

"Where did you get it?"

"Sorry?"

"Where did you _purchase_ this book? Well?"

Even before he furrowed his brow in his hesitation to lie to her, she knew the answer. And she knew that she could no longer be his friend.

"That old man Algernon gave it to you, didn't he?"

"Well, he's been really nice to me and-"

"What did you do in exchange this time? Curse his front door with an anti-intruder hex? Make potion so he can make his neighbours sick? Scare off more _Muggles_ for his amusement?"

"Lily, I-"

"Good _bye_, Severus."

It had been their last proper conversation. Now he stood in front of her, looking sad but expectant, and she realized that she felt more sadness than anger.

In spite of everything, he had been a loyal friend for most of her life. She had been lonely when they were apart. He had always looked out for her, and she knew he didn't curse Mudbloods and chase Muggle-borns in Hogwarts for amusement. The fact that his number one enemy, James Potter, was a certified pure-blood, assured Lily that Severus did not really buy into the philosophy his ogrish friends spouted.

With a pang of remorse she realized that he probably spent more time with them because he could no longer be with her.

If only...if only she could convince him that pursuing the Dark Arts would simply never lead to a happy ending. If only he realized that she didn't want to lose him as a friend permanently. There was no guarantee that they would see each other at all after graduation. She had to talk to him now.

"Severus, I...don't want to lose you."

And just like that the invisible barrier that had been between them since he entered was breached. She quickly continued before he interrupted her, or worse, before she lost the courage.

"I know it's impossible by this point to go back to the way we were. That level of trust is hard to achieve, and it's been missing all this time since we haven't spoken. You broke it, but I had a hand in it too." She knew he thought the opposite was true about who broke their friendship, but her opinion would not change.

"You have known for a long time that I don't like the way you pursue knowledge. It's like you're afraid that if somebody else gets to the information before you do, you will lose somehow. As if you're running an imaginary race, Sev, but you're the only one running it." She gestured to the invisible runners that were not there.

"I don't know how to tell you in a different way what I have told you so many times before: not all knowledge is worth acquiring. The more you read those tomes in Dark Arts, the more I worry that you'll forget what's honestly important. Ever since I've known you I have known you're a good person and known that you wouldn't hurt anybody out of vindictiveness. But don't think I haven't been watching you, even in these last few weeks of school." Her mind jumped to the tragic end of their Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts when she said this, but she pushed the that thought down.

"You have been reading books by Matthäus! _Matthäus!_ He experimented on live human beings! Most people agree that all his 'research' should have been burned! And yet I see you reading it and I can't help but worry that-"

"That what? That I would turn into a psychopath too?"

His voice was croaky, as if he hadn't spoken in a long time. His mouth had gone dry as the truth of her accusations had struck home. At the same time, it hurt that she would think this of him.

"Trust me, Lily, I might do things you don't like, but I would never go as far as to use _people_ to make potions and Dark Artifacts."

She eyed him with worry, clearly not convinced.

"Lily, no one except truly stupid people denies that what he did was wrong and disgusting. He deserved the punishment the Ministry gave him. But I think ignoring his research would dishonour the memory of his victims, Muggle and magical. It would be as if their deaths had been for nothing!" He gestured angrily. If he had been in front of a desk he would have slammed it.

"He found out some very useful things that otherwise we would have never have known because of the illegality of such experiments." He brushed his dirty hair off his face, his face contorted with anger and frustration.

"Dark Magic is only seen as bad because people are biased and are scared of what they don't know. But just look at Matthäus's research! Nearly all if not every single one of the pages he wrote can be used to advance healing magic! Lily, tell me it is not useful to know how deep into the human bone a Scorching Hex can penetrate! Tell me it's completely useless to know how much Wiggenweld potion it takes to make someone's heart explode! Anybody who doesn't see how many _lives _you can save with his knowledge is _delusional!_"

Severus realized he was nearly shouting by now and lowered his head, ashamed at how he was allowing Lily to see his anger. He didn't dare meet her gaze.

"When you tell me to stop pursuing the Dark Arts, I feel that you're telling me to stop trying to become a better wizard altogether. You don't even try to differentiate between Dark magic that is useful and Dark magic that exists only to abuse others. You just...lump it together and it...it...hurts."

There, he'd said it. Severus could feel his heart pumping faster, almost surprised that she couldn't hear it hammering against his chest. He had trained himself to subdue his emotions and all save for anger he did hide fairly well. Tobias had unwittingly taught him that showing that his feelings were hurt would put him in the most vulnerable position.

But this was Lily who was in front of him. She was the one who knew him, the one who understood him. The one who recognized him as something more than a worthless waste of space.

But she had abandoned him in fifth year, and it still stung. He knew she still saw him as a person because she was having this talk with him at all; but leaving himself open to her felt more of a gamble now than it had ever felt before.

He felt her eyes on him for several tense minutes, wondering what expression she had.

Finally, she spoke.

"Sev...if there was any person in the world smart enough to copy Matthäus's work and perhaps even improve it, it would be you. I know you would never...but I'm still concerned. You're not a bad person. You have never been..."

She wiped her cheek. "You were there with me when Professor Cockroachrotter opened that box. You tried to save her, just like I did. I saw your face...you thought...you were as scared as I was, I could tell. You thought the same way I did, you were seeing it as I saw it. I just worry you might lose that perspective."  
>She looked out the window.<p>

"The people you hang around, they don't make it a secret that they think Muggle-borns are inferior. I would love to see you succeed as a great wizard, Sev; and I know it's completely plausible because you're so smart and dedicated. You...you don't have to resort to underhanded methods to get your training, Sev. I've been trying to make you see this for so long. You have everything you need without them."

"No."  
>"Sorry?"<p>

"It's not that easy."

Severus crossed his arms, his face unable to completely hide his bitterness.

"I could be the most powerful wizard in the world. I could have the power to move the moon and turn whole buildings invisible at will and it would still mean nothing. No one would hire me, or take me as an apprentice or give me a job at the Ministry. No, in this world, it's all about **connections**. Know the right people, charm the cup of the right witch, throw enough gold around and you can easily become Minister of Magic."

"You're exaggerating." She answered half-heartedly. She could not deny there was some truth to what he was saying. Even with her high marks and her excellent recommendations from her teachers, Lily's acceptance into Auror Training had been influenced by James's good family connections, even though she had told him stay out of her business. In retrospect, she realised she might not have gotten in without him.

The brewing civil unrest was making a lot of people nervous and many signed up for lessons on how to fight properly even if they could not become proper Aurors. There was no way she would thank Potter, though.

"I would love it if I could get through this life using my head alone, I really would. But it's simply not possible. The Wilkes and the Malfoys are in Slytherin. I figured I might as well join where I was already welcome."

He crossed his arms and looked out the window.

"That's why I want to join the Death Eaters. Some of the oldest and most influential families of wizards are in that circle. Most of them are fools to be sure; but Lord Voldemort is gaining more influence and support every day. If I could meet him, then I know my talents as a potion-maker would not be squandered."

He looked at her with pleading eyes.

"Or would you rather I rot away as a gopher for some old fart in the Ministry for the rest of my life?"

Lily bit her lip. She chose not to answer the question. "And what about their attitude towards people like me? Do you pretend to hate Muggle-borns to be accepted?"

"I...I...have managed to avoid the subject so far." He avoided her eyes.

"You won't be able to do so forever. If you really want to join Voldemort's ranks, your loyalties will be investigated. Sooner or later they will-"

"What? Find out I judge people based on their intelligence rather than their blood status? I won't be ashamed to admit it. I will never be ashamed to say you...were my friend because you're the smartest most beau-best...best potion maker in the entire school."

For the first time in two years, Lily smiled that smile. Her eyes crinkled and the freckles on her cheeks flushed with pleasure. Instead of calming him though, Severus felt his whole body go tense when he saw the long-awaited smile. He had forgotten how much he loved that smile. He had almost forgotten how much he loved the whole of her. How the sight of her made his body grow hot and filled his mind with things he would be ashamed to admit, especially to her. He suddenly realized how close they were standing and became painfully aware of how little she were wearing.

"What about James Potter, then?" she asked teasingly. "He's smart, but you really dislike him, huh?"

"James Potter is a special case. I have never seen such an arrogant tosser in all my life; I'm surprised he can fit into the castle with that pompous ego of his."

Lily's smile did not vanish.

"He's changed, you know? He's matured. I'm not naive enough to believe you two ever stopped fighting, but he dialed it back. He's...he is...almost a different person now."

As she spoke, Severus felt as if Lily were holding a long thin knife and slowly slicing his heart open with it. Still, she had not delivered the fatal blow yet.

In a semi-masochistic move, he decided to help her twist that knife.

"So...are the rumours true? Is he your...are you...the two of you...a couple?" He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe.

"What? No, of course not, silly. He _does_ still ask me out, but these days he's become a rather good friend. Once he got over his Quidditch fame, he turned out to be a rather decent bloke, really. I realized he really looks out for his friends, which is something I didn't see before. Like…like you do-"

Lily's voice faltered. Her friend was staring at her with an intensity she had never seen before in those dark eyes. They were filled such an earnestness that made him look rather mad. But this was not the same kind of concentration he showed when he was angry or studying. This looked rather like...desire.

The idea that she might be the object of this emotion had only begun to glimmer when he suddenly grabbed her shoulders and pulled her towards him.

He moved his head awkwardly to the right, he pressed his lips against hers and tried to open his mouth in a clumsy kiss. She stood stiffly, completely unsure of what to do.

He abruptly broke off the contact and looked horrified.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He gasped unintelligible apologies as he ran out of the room.

The sound of the slammed door hung in the air. Lily Evans stood in the middle of her rented room in her pajamas, her green eyes stretched a little wider than usual as the realization dawned: Severus Snape loved her.


	4. Chapter IV: Give Peace a Chance

Lily stood there, frozen where the confused teenager had left her. Her fingers traced her lips, where the ghost feel of his kiss lingered.

She picked up the damaged flower that was now wilted beyond recognition and thought of her hippie mother.

"It's called 'free love'." Alice smiled at both of her daughters. "I don't want you two growing up with the same restrictive and intolerant patriarchal roles that were shoved down my throat when_ I _was a teenager, no sir. I'm going to teach you both about sex."

There was silence at the dining table. Both girls stared open-mouthed at their mother, though Petunia's reaction was one of abject horror while Lily's was one of guarded curiosity. Alice had specifically chosen an evening when her husband was away to talk to both of her daughters about this. Keith was a lover of peace, but he was not into the Flower Power movement as much as Alice was. He often joked that Alice must be the only full-out hippie in all of the British Isles. She knew that while he did not object to premarital sex, he was not comfortable with the idea of his daughters -his two innocent angels- knowing how sex worked. Alice believed that at 14 and 17, they were both old enough to know, perhaps even overdue.

"Sex is a wonderful thing, girls. It healthy for you and it stimulates your mind and imagination. And these days you don't have to worry about getting pregnant like I did! I heard the pill is actually really effective and abortion has been legal in England since-"

"Mother, please! Do you realize how you _sound_ like?" Petunia's screech interrupted the exaltation for the freedom of sexual intercourse.

Alice blinked at her older daughter. "No, I don't. What _do_ I sound like, Petunia?"

"Like you want me and Lily to become a pair of _sluts_!"

Lily could hardly resist rolling her eyes. Ever since Petunia had entered high school, she had been rebelling against their mother in every way possible. Anything Alice did, Petunia tried to do the opposite. If Alice advocated the importance of freedom and anarchy, Petunia would show up with a pin that said Support the London Police. If Alice made them tie-dye shirts and bought them neon-green stripped pants, Petunia would come home in a dress so austere and colourless that Lily actually wondered if she had borrowed it from their grandmother. After Alice had given them what she considered a heart-warming lecture on women's liberation and feminism, Petunia instigated a shouting match with her mother by stating she never had a greater ambition than to become a housewife and have children.

Lily could feel a similar argument in the making as her sister and her mother glared at each other across the table. Before either of them could speak again, Lily spoke up; because she was genuinely interested in this topic and didn't want to see the argument derailed.

"But what about...the bloke mom? You haven't said anything about the sort of man you think we should...you know."

Petunia turned to her sister in alarm. "The only 'bloke' you do this sort of thing with is your husband!"

"There is no law that says it has to be!" Alice shot back at her daughter before Lily could answer.

"That does not make it _right,_ mother!" Petunia scowled angrily.

"Since when can my daughter tell_ me_ the difference between right and wrong?"

"Since you're trying to teach your other daughter how to become a slag!" Petunia's thin voice dripped with disdain.

"Being sexually independent is not the same as accepting any man that comes along, Petunia!"

"Don't be _disgusting,_ mother!" Petunia's face matched her words to the dot.

Fortunately for Lily, her older sister chose this moment to perform her well-rehearsed dramatic storming-off to her room, allowing her to speak again.

"Is this the sort of thing girls do only with their boyfriends?"

"Not necessarily. You can invite any boy into your bedroom and do whatever you want, as long as **you** are the one making this decision. Your sister seems to think I approve of letting strange men pressure you into sex, but she's completely wrong. It has to be _your_ decision, love." Alice brushed her fingers gently through Lily's thick red hair.

"_You_ decide whether you have one man or fifty. _You_ decide whether you want your first time to be with your boyfriend, your husband or someone you just met. Some women prefer to have an emotional connection to their man, while others just want to get their rocks off with him, and either is fine as long as you're honest about what you both want out of it."

Alice twirled the thick red strands of her daughter's hair about her finger as she spoke.

"You're a smart girl Lily, and I know you will make the right decision about what you want out of sex. I trust you, love."

Alice then gave her daughter a book about how men and women approached sex in different ways and how they could meet halfway. Lily didn't know what to think of the chapters that stated how women liked to feel submissive and to have the man take charge; or how feeling feminine was the same as feeling receptive and ready to be impregnated. Lily felt that the book certainly answered questions she had, but not enough. What would happen if she didn't feel pleasure during sex like the book described she should? Would it be better to wait until she lost her virginity to ask questions about what made a woman frigid?

She didn't know how to ask her mother how to ask about same-sex relationships either. She had noticed Muggles and wizards had a difference in perspective on homosexuals. As far as she could tell, wizards were largely apathetic to same-sex couples, neither advocating their rights nor prosecuting them. The Ministry of Magic was certainly not making a big issue out of it like the British Parliament was.

Lily was disappointed that the book did not explain how relationships between the same sex got started or how they worked. She was curious to know if there was a way for people to switch between one sex and other. She assumed she liked men, since for a while now she had been getting strange feelings in her belly whenever someone of the opposite sex interacted with her, or worse, touched her. She giggled foolishly whenever this happened, trying to dispel her own nervousness and awkwardness. What was worse, her interactions with Severus weren't the exception. She jumped whenever he touched her shoulder and fumbled her hands awkwardly if he tried to give her anything. He had noticed and had, rather sullenly, started to limit their physical contact.

Her father's death then wiped her schoolgirl's half-formed fantasies clean off her mind for a long while. By the time she began reacting to boys again, Severus had been pushed away from her life and she did not feel like flirting awkwardly with anybody. James Potter had rather unsubtly propositioned her several times and she found it was easier to respond to to his naked honesty rather than trying to read and send indirect messages through body language.

Still, school had been her number-one priority and having a boyfriend seemed more emotionally draining and time-consuming than it should.

But now school was over.

As she stared at the freckles on her bare legs, Lily realized not only was she more curious about sex than ever, but she felt ready to go through the act as well.

Maybe it was the giddyness of graduating, or the fact that she has just been kissed for the first time. She knew the facts, she knew what happened and she knew what she wanted.

She reflected on her mother's "Free Love" speech. She didn't 'love' Severus. She did not want to see him every day, she did not want to plan a future with him, she did not want to think about marrying him. Their relationship right now was not like that, especially after their two-year schism. But she 'loved' him in the sense that she trusted him to take her virginity without hurting her. She knew he would be careful, he was probably a virgin as well and would need to take it slow just to get started. At least that was what she imagined.

But maybe Severus would not agree to this. Judging from his actions, he wanted to have a relationship with her, the kind that ended with marriage and children and a house with a mortgage. Or did he? Maybe he was as horny as she was. Maybe introductory sex would satisfy him.

She was torn. Asking Severus for sex could imply to him that she was ready for the relationship he wanted; something that she actually didn't want just then. But maybe she could make him see it from her perspective: two friends having sex to lose their respective virginities, so no relationships could be hurt if the first time was bad and they could still be friends after.

Or maybe she would be shot down from the beginning. Maybe he would be insulted by her assumption he was a virgin as well.

Still musing, she took off the rest of her clothes and took the bath she had postponed for so long.

"Stupid! Stupid! I can't believe you are such a _wanker_! Idiot!"

Severus was in the process of turning everything he owned, and then some things he didn't, upside down.

"Why did you kiss her? Why! Did she do or say anything remotely romantic? Did you? Of course not!"

Using his hands to destroy the room rather than magic felt infinitely more rewarding, though it had been rather humiliating to discover he was too weak to budge the heavy oaken bed. It gave him something else to scold himself about.

"Look at you! You're _pathetic_! What woman would desire that? She will never talk to you again! Nice job _ruining __**everything**_!"

It was a good fifteen minutes before he finished his temper tantrum and flopped down on his unmoved bed in fake exhaustion, ready to feel sorry for himself for a good while.

Only that just then there was a knock on the door that made him jump nearly clean off the bed. Rather unsteadily, he made his way to the door. It couldn't be. Why would she?

But there she was, dressed in a similar shirt as before, this time wearing trousers.

"Can I come in?"

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak and she walked into the room that looked like it housed a Hippogriff rather than a person. She didn't seem to notice though, as she made a beeline for the bed and sat on the corner. Unsure, he remained where he was, closing the door.

She glanced at him briefly before turning her attention to the floor, though it was clear she was not really seeing the discarded potions ingredients littering it.

"Severus, I. . .I wanted to tell you I am still not completely comfortable with the Dark Magic stuff. Because of that, I don't think I can be your...for the two of us to be together.

But I still want to be your friend. And I still like you. . .a lot. And I like you enough to spend the night here...with you."

Lily could feel her face growing hotter and hotter as she spoke each sentence. Where had all her resolve gone? _She_ was the one that had decided to come here and suggest this!

Meanwhile Severus was completely frozen, staring at her transfixed as if someone had hit him in the back of the head with a Bludger.

"You mean...you mean...you want to stay here with me...all night...but you don't want to be my girlfriend?"

"Look, I know it's odd, and if you don't want to, then I'll leave, no hard feelings. I just...I just...I trust you, Sev. I haven't done this sort of thing before, I honestly haven't. I know this sounds particularly mad after the argument we were having earlier...but I've decided that you...that it would be fine if you were my first."

Her cheeks were so red and hot, she was surprised he didn't say anything about it. Waiting for his answer was agony.

"And in the morning...would we still be friends?" His question was barely a whisper.

"Yes."

"What if I still wanted to be more?"

"Then we would talk about it then. But this is _now_, Severus. Tell me _now_, do you want me to stay here?"

_Just say no_. She felt like bolting from the room rather like he had done earlier. _Just say I'm stupid for suggesting this and that I'm acting like a complete slag and I should know better. Oh, why did I listen to my mother-_

When he touched her cheek she jumped in surprise so much that she almost knocked him over. She had avoided seeing his face since she had entered the room and having him so close to her so suddenly was rather disconcerting.

With both his long-fingered hands on the side of her face, her kissed her again, this time taking care to move his face to the side so his nose would not bump into hers. This time Lily felt more prepared and did her best to return the kiss, trying not to make it obvious how inexperienced she was.

Encouraged by her positive response, Severus placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her down.

~ The next portion of the text was deemed too sexy for this site.

If you are under the age of 18, you have been thus judged too immature to know what two young adults do when they spend the night together. I'm required by law to tell you Severus and Lily spent the rest of the night playing Exploding Snap and Gobstones while drinking unadulterated pumpkin juice. They fell asleep into each other's arms after telling each other perfectly innocent tales about fairies. Like the one about the cat that chased the mouse and then turned into a Brownie! Good times.

)\._.,-...,'``.

.b-. /; _.. \ _\ (`._ ,.

`=,-,-'~~~ `-(,_..'-(,_..'`-.;.'

For those of you who understand all there is to understand about human reproduction, its physical and emotional implications as well the possible consequences of intercourse during the teenage years by mere token of age, follow the link below to my livejournal. ~

h t t p : / / e l t i t e r e t i s t a .l i v e j o u r n a l .c o m /48251 . h t m l


	5. Chapter V: Hang in There

**Author's note**: I sincerely apologize for the ridiculous delay for the previous chapter. I honestly had intended to post the addendum HOURS after the chapter proper. If you still haven't read the addendum, you can go back to my previous chapter and follow the link from there. The link works now!

Severus awoke when he sneezed. He shivered, noticing his back was cold and pulling the blanket over his whole body contentedly. He settled himself warmly, expecting to fall asleep again within seconds, but a little voice protested at the back of his head. Something was off. There was a reason his back had not been covered in the first place. He wondered what it was.

He sat bolt upright when recollections from the previous night flooded his brain. Lily was no longer asleep on the crook of his arm, which was how he had last seen her. She was nowhere to be found in his small Three Broomsticks room, though he scanned it over and over.

He felt as if he had been splashed awake by a bucket of icy water. So that was it? She would leave is life forever without even saying goodbye?

He hugged his legs to his chest, not caring that he was stark naked under the blue cotton blanket, feeling used.

Severus Snape was not the type to act on impulse, he did not like a situation he did not control or understand and absolutely hated taking risks without measuring his chances of getting favourable outcomes in his head. Unless it came to Lily Evans.

The young woman had the uncanny ability to throw him clean off his loop to make him do whatever she wished.

_I suppose I should be grateful she would never use that against me_. Severus thought as he grabbed the Afghan blanket hung at the end of his bed and covered his thin frame with it. Then again, if Lily had been the type of woman to use her feminine wiles to get what she wanted out of men, he would have never fallen in love with her so thoroughly. She was not manipulative, she did not make her relationships with people based on what she could get from them, no. She was always honest and straight-forward with everyone and saw the best in people. It was really easy being her friend and really hard to make her your enemy. You had to be as bad as James Potter to make her angry.

_Or as bad as me, I suppose_. Severus shivered, though he was not physically cold. By now it was dawning on him that the dissolution of their friendship would be something that he would recall with sadness and confusion for the rest of his life, regardless of whether they rekindled their relationship or not. Still, even if Lily decided she would never be his friend again, he would always admire her. Her sincerity and her ability to trust people was something he had noticed in her since they were little and he was sure it would be a part of her forever.

_She is so unlike my mother._ He bitterly threw the blanket off his shoulders, deciding there was no point in delaying getting dressed and doing what he had to do today. Thinking it would be too much of a stretch of good taste to go as far as having sex without showering, he headed towards one corner of the room. It was empty now, except for a knob on the wall and two words on either side: _Tub/Shower._ He turned the knob firmly left and pipes magically began to emerge from the wall. After a few seconds a sturdy 1930's copper shower set was in front of him, complete with semi-transparent curtain and four faucets. He turned the hot water one on and stepped under the jet of water.

As he washed, he began to mull over what happened last night. Under _any_ other circumstance, had it been _any_ other girl, he would have said no. He was not so desperate for sex that he would do it with someone he did not have an established relationship with. So why had he been so eager to take off his clothes for Lily Evans, the girl he had scarcely spoken to in the last two years? She had made it clear they would not have a relationship anytime soon, if ever. So why had he done that? Maybe he had been thinking with his prick instead of his head? Maybe he had been foolishly hoping his technique would impress her so much that she would change her mind?

It wasn't as if he wanted to _avoid _sex, but the circumstances made him nervous. It left him in an emotionally vulnerable position, the one thing he always strived to avoid. Her sudden departure made him even more anxious. What if she had left without a word because he was so horrible at making love? Maybe he had hurt her, maybe she was somehow insulted.

These thoughts ran heavy on Severus' mind as he turned off the shower and wrapped himself in the complementary towel that had appeared along with it. He began to search the room for a fresh pair of pants to put on, not really caring what he knocked over in the process. He was about to shove a piece of parchment off the foot of the bed when he noticed something.

This paper was not written in his cramped, severe handwriting. Here, the words had a noticeable right slant, larger spaces between them and all the g's had a small loop to them. There was no doubt about it: this was Lily's handwriting.

He snatched it up and began reading earnestly.

_Dear Sev-_

_I am SO SORRY for leaving like this, I really am. There is nothing I need more right now than to talk to you about yours and my future. I must really look like the world's biggest bitch to you right now, and I wouldn't blame you if you had that opinion of me after what we just did._

_strikeBut I have a good explanation/strike, well, just please hear me out: shortly after you fell asleep for good, an owl came in through the window. It was from a friend of mine telling me that the Ministry is really, really swamped with Auror hopefuls this year and that even with my good marks and Hogwarts recommendations it was doubtful I would get to even try the test. So he arranged for me to me to meet Damian Watson, the current Head of the Auror Office. This was a hard meeting to arrange Severus, I hope you can appreciate that because there are very few reasons I would leave you like this._

_Long story short, Mr. Watson is a very busy man and he can only give me twenty minutes of his time first thing in the morning. Since he gets to the Ministry at 6:00, I have to make sure to be there before then!_

_As I'm writing this, it's already very late at night, or very early in the morning I should say, and I still have to pack all my belongings and send the right stuff to my mother's house and bewitch the rest of the stuff so I can travel comfortably with it, dress nicely so I look presentable in the Ministry and then Apparate in the right place in London. _

_I hope I can come back to your room to say goodbye before I leave Hogsmeade, but it seems unlikely, so I will leave you this letter. _

_Unfortunately I cannot say for sure when we will meet next. My schedule next strikeweek/strike month depends a lot on his the meeting in the morning goes. Severus, we have a lot to talk about and I would rather do it face-to-face. These sort of feelings cannot be figured out in writing. I will try to meet you as soon as possible, so until then, please just hang in there for me._

_Bye~_

_Lily_

Severus sighed with relief as he finished reading, but the knot of anxiety in his stomach was not entirely gone. She had finished her letter cordially enough, but not with "Love, Lily**"** one would expect from someone starting a romance.

He read it to himself a few more times, trying to psychologically deconstruct it to see if there was anything she said between the lines. There were dark spots of ink in several places, so he had no trouble believing she had written this one a rush. Her writing was usually very tidy and if she was feeling happy she would draw flowers on the margins. At least she used to when they were children. As he carefully put the letter away, he tried to remember the last time she did that. It had been a long time since they had exchanged letters.

Looking around the now very messy room he had to vacate before eleven, he decided he might as well start using magic outside of school. Having dressed, he retrieved his wand and tried to think of a Charm that would put everything in order.

Having paid 11 Sickles and 7 Knuts for his brief stay at the Three Broomsticks, Severus stepped outside into the brisk Hogsmeade morning. He had to shield his eyes from the sun as he undid his travelling cape a little since it was rather warm.

He had managed to pack all his belongings into an old-fashioned leather medical bag, which was really his transfigured school trunk. That way he could carry around his jars of liquid without fear of spilling them over when they were shrunk.

He looked around at the inviting shops of the magical town, wishing that Lily would be next to him. They could spend the day around town, just looking at the shops and their wares, not needing to spend any money to enjoy their time together. They could go to Tomes and Scrolls and read odd books until the shopkeeper yelled at them. Or maybe go to Dogweed and Deathcap and look at all the potions ingredients they could now buy as adults.

He looked at Zonko's and Honeydukes adamantly. They were always crowded and noisy and he was not particularly interested in their products. However, he had seen Lily go into Honeydukes and come out with a smile on her face and her hands will of Chocolate Skeletons and Fizzing Whizzbees. For her, he would brave going into that overcrowded shop for sugary treats. For her, he would spend his last four galleons on processed sugar if it made her happy.

He sighed. She was hundreds of miles away, back in London, probably on her first day as an Auror trainee. He clutched the reply he'd written before breakfast, knowing that mailing it could delay meeting face-to-face. If he didn't send it at all, he was sure she would write that very night asking what had happened.

He tried to unwrinkle the envelope as he entered the post office, trying to think of how much money he could spend but his mind too preoccupied. Unlike Lily, he did not have a clear career plan or even a place to stay. He knew he wanted to work with potions the rest of his life, but he hadn't exactly decided on how. Tired of the obvious favouritism going on and stifling rules of Hogwarts, he had decided to stay away from the Ministry, even though both Slughorn and Farnese had urged him to reconsider.

As the clerk of the store summoned a big spotted owl for him, he thought once again of being an independent Potioneer. The problem was that one needed to build a reputation to make a living off that. It was nearly impossible to start from zero, usually respected wizards and witches took on apprentices and then recommended them if their skills were worthy.

The problem was that Severus didn't know many respectable wizards of the community, let alone crafty potioneers. He thought about his friend Lucius Malfoy, who had been badgering about joining the Death Eaters ever since Severus entered his last year at Hogwarts.

From the way Lucius described it, these Death Eaters were nothing more than a glorified Slug Club, though instead of talented students it was the "top class of wizards" that were meeting. There were no mentions about the virulent prejudice that made the group constantly mentioned in the headlines of the Daily Prophet. In fact, he would have doubted they were talking about the same group at all if he didn't know Lucius so well. He was conflicted about joining. He truly did want to become a great wizard on his own might, but he could not get started with nothing. He was no fool. He knew that without a pure-blood name and a respectable family to go with it, it would be hard to find employment at all, let alone do something he enjoyed.

As he paid a handful of Knuts for his owl, he decided he would meet Lucius by himself before agreeing to see any other Death Eaters. Maybe he could convince his friend to introduce him to important people without joining any more Slug Clubs. Besides, he wanted to meet his wife. Severus had hardly interacted with Narcissa when she had been in Hogwarts, but she struck him as the no-nonsense kind of woman, which he liked. Unfortunately, she shared Lucius' distaste for all things Muggle, including half-bloods.

He truly didn't know how she would react to his heritage. Maybe she would accept him in a pitying sort of way, the way Lucius had originally reacted. Or she might start treating him with the cold condescending tone all Slytherin noble-borns seemed to know.

He would really hate it if the meeting with his friend turned tense because of that. He was through with being judged.

_Speaking of unpleasant things..._

There was no point on him lingering in Hogsmeade. He could spend the entire day dallying about the magical village, avoiding it. Part of him even wanted to skip this entirely, trying to convince himself to simply not do it and get on with his life. The bigger part of him had already learned that life was just a bitter potion that you had to swallow. Prolonging the experience would not make it more agreeable.

He closed his eyes and concentrated on his destination. For a brief second he thought "childhood home" and the image of Spinner's End flashed in his head. He pushed that thought away and focused. This would be the first time he would try to Apparate to somewhere so far away. He pictured it: a round-about for Muggle cars that was really more of a triangle; in the middle of it, raised rectangular granite like a tombstone, a war memorial so worn the names were indecipherable; strong but leafless mossy trees on the side of the road and tall buildings dotting the horizon.

Severus felt as if he was being squeezed through the narrow, dry esophagus of a Bunyip. He materialized in front of the war memorial with a loud _crack!_ feeling disoriented.

_I need to practice more. _He reminded himself as he started walking towards the nearest set of buildings. The structure he headed towards had been built at least two centuries ago and the outside architecture had hardly changed since then. This made the glass and metal entrance in the front of the building particularly ugly in Severus' opinion.

As he approached the security door, he grew hesitant again. He didn't want a confrontation. He just wanted to go inside, collect his meagre belongings and never return again. But entering the building through magical means would aggravate **him**. Using the buzzer and announcing his presence would probably aggravate him as well.

Severus stood there, feeling increasingly out of place in front of this Muggle building in his wizard cloak with his old-fashioned bag. He looked at the names next to the buzzers, half of them changed since the last time he was there. His eyes fell on the one he wanted to touch the least.

_**6 C - T. Snape**_

He moved his finger to press it. _Don't flinch, Severus. That's what he wants_.

"Are you going to stand there all day long?"

Severus nearly jumped out of his skin when the girl spoke to him. His hand was clutched on his wand as he turned around to see a black teenager with an annoyed expression scowling at him.

"I have to get inside, you know?" She crossed her arms, clearly irritated at the young man with a cape standing in front of her.

"Er...go right ahead." He mumbled.

Still staring at him defiantly, she walked past him and used a special key on the ugly glass door. Severus heard a buzzer go off and the saw the door unlock and made a quick decision. As she walked through, he stuck out his hand and held the door open. She eyed him suspiciously.

"I came to get...I came to see a relative of mine."

She glared at him.

"See that?" She pointed at an odd contraption nailed to the ceiling.

"We have security cameras now. I'm going to let you through today, but don't think you can get away with stealing anything, because we already got a video of your face."

She left him standing there, looking at the same sad grey hallway that had not been painted since he first came here four years ago. He walked morosely further into the building, the feeling of being trapped augmenting itself with each step he took. There was still a chance that he could get in and out without seeing or talking to anyone that would recognize him. There was still a chance he would not have to deal with **him**.

Wondering why Muggles would waste money on cameras when the elevators were perpetually out of service, he made his way up the stairs without meeting anyone save for a little old man and his dog.

Too soon he found himself before the dark paneled door. _Don't flinch. Don't flinch. Don't shake_.

He knocked, loud enough for him to hear an echo in the hallway. He clutched his wand, and wished his heart would beat a normal rate. After a tense minute he realized no one was answering the door.

He began to rummage through his bag, looking for something he had not used in months but was sure he saw this morning while packing. _It's better this way_, he though while he moved his books around. _I'll just leave him a note or something. Maybe send it later. Though he's not worth the mail. Maybe when I get an owl of my own._

He finally found the small leather pouch. He gave it a tap with his wand and it swelled to its normal size. As he withdrew the key from it, a new horrible doubt sprang. _What if he's inside, sleeping?_

The key was just a few inches away from the lock. _To hell with it! _He pushed the key inside.

Except it only went halfway in. Bewildered he withdrew it and tried again, this time less forcefully. It still would not budge. He noticed that the lock was a different colour than before and his insides felt cold. He flung the key to the ground and pointed his wand at the lock, giving a quick cursory glance at the empty hallway before using magic.

The door swung open forcefully and he quickly stepped inside, closing it as he did. The apartment looked more or less the same as it did since his last summer there. There was the lingering smell of cigarettes and old grease. He walked, nearly ran, towards his room. He yanked the door open and froze. It was empty. Even the bed was gone. He couldn't believe it.

He felt a dark anger rising as he stood there. His magical textbooks from previous years. Photos of his childhood. His mother's old books. All the magical artifacts he didn't take to his last term at Hogwarts. His mother's heirloom ring. All gone.

He stepped away from the threshold and turned towards the one next to it. He knew the stuff was gone, but he was still going to turn every single one of his father's possessions upside down looking for it. He gritted his teeth as he waved his wand and upturned all the furniture. _Why would he take it all? Why would he take the things that were worth nothing?_

He had always suspected that his father would try to steal his mother's blue topaz ring after she died. It wasn't incredibly rare as far as precious stones went, but still valuable. For years she had kept it because it had been the only thing her parents had allowed her to keep from the Prince family before disowning her. For years he had harassed her for keeping all the potential money that ring was worth from him. That's why Severus hid it as soon as she was sick enough to go to the hospital. He didn't think that his own father would sink so low as to raid and sell all of his son's possessions just to find that ring.

He felt like screaming. He had to get out of there. There had been no point in coming back. The only connection he ever had to his maternal grandparents was probably being sleazily groped right now by some pawn shop owner.

As he headed for the door he noticed something. There _was_ something different about the living room. He took a step towards it, trying to remember how it looked like last summer and his foot bumped into something.

It was a large cardboard box. He turned it over to read the label.

**Sony COLOUR TELEVISION 25 inches**

He looked up. Indeed the television set was larger and newer than he remembered. An unpleasant, sadistic smile spread over his face as he pointed his wand at the screen. Maybe he could stay a little longer after all.


End file.
